Ego vs Insecurity
There is an interesting contradiction that I’ve seen in myself and that I suspect is also true for many other writers, or artists of one sort or another. On the one hand is a rather inflated ego. I think this is probably necessary for most artists. I mean, really, you need some pretty high self-confidence to think that anybody would want to see whatever it is you’re creating. And there are plenty of times when I think my writing is something special. In fact, there have been many times over my life that I’ve been sure my talents in one area or another were better than they really were.
The other side, of course, is debilitating insecurity. It can show up when you’re smacked in the face with the fact that you’re not as good as you secretly think you are, but it also gnaws away at you when there’s absolutely no reason for it. It’s an odd, uncomfortable see-saw ride. For me, at least. And balancing out isn’t easy. It’s easy to say that you’re not the best and you’re not the worst, but it’s a lot harder to shut up the feelings. Not voices: it’s nothing so easy to reason with as actual statements. Just feelings that you have to tease out, look at, and understand.
One thing I’m thankful for is that I am able to look at my false confidences and insecurities and understand what they are. I’m not an insufferable mass of pride, and I don’t get knocked out by my doubts. The not getting knocked down is partly thanks to all the writers who have shared their own fears online and taught me that, no, it’s not just me.
So, yes, I think my current draft is an awful mess of dropped plot-lines, unnecessary scenes, missing scenes, missing description, and many other irredeemable failings. But I keep going because I’ll fix it all in the end. And then no doubt I’ll be sure it’s the best novel ever written.